RACHEL GARCIA

Rachel doesn't see avoiding conflict as a negative quality. While learning how to be a New Yorker with her relocation to the Big Apple for college, she strives to draw as little attention as possible to avoid a potential situation that she cannot control. Strategically dressing herself in black, she grapples with how her body should or shouldn't take up space.

What or where is your comfort zone?

I guess my comfort zone, when I think of my comfort zone, I think of black, black clothing, specifically taking it in the clothing direction. Not really standing out. I don't know if you want me to elaborate more, but that's like what came to mind?

Can you expand a little bit on that? So why black clothing specifically? Why not a different color?

I think black just kind of makes me feel neutral, no one's gonna really comment or no, the color doesn't stand out.

Have you always been that way?

I may have always sort of been that way when I had a conscious thought of what others would think of me. I guess when I was little, I wasn't like that because I didn't really think about that.

What caused you to start thinking about what others think about you?

I don't know really, I'd say definitely middle school. I don't know if it's scientific or something, but something then just snapped and I suddenly cared not to stand out or not be questioned.

Before middle school, before you started registering that you didn't want to stand out, was there a time where you did want to stick out and you did want to be noticed?

I wouldn't say there was a time where I really wanted to be noticed, but I didn't dress or act a certain way to not stick out. If that makes sense. So I probably did stick out a little bit.

Do you consider wearing black clothing and trying to blend in, to be a sense of hiding?

I definitely think so. Just because black, I mean it hides, but it also, in my opinion, hides the body as well. Like certain colors, you can kind of see the body more, but in black I feel like you can't see it.

Would you consider yourself to be an introvert or an extrovert?

I would definitely consider myself to be an introvert.

Do you know where that comes from?

I definitely think it's because I'm an only child, if my parents were busy, I'd just do stuff by myself, played alone. So I think that's where it came from.

Would you consider yourself to be an advocate?

Right now? I don't know if I'd consider myself to be an advocate. I consider myself right now as starting, trying to advocate more for myself as well as others, but not really. I wouldn't firmly call myself an advocate.

When it comes to your own personal voice, do you feel a need

to be heard?

No. Maybe more so recently, but for a lot of my life, I never really felt that I needed to like be heard or that I wanted my thoughts or ideas to be heard.

Why is that?

I think it's, if I said something that I wanted to be heard and then someone was going to come along and either disagree or prove me wrong or something.

How do you react in situations of conflict?

I try to avoid any situation that would ever create conflict. I really try to avoid those, but if it ever does get to a conflict, I don't do super well and I ignore it, or if I have a conflict with another person, I won't text them and just avoid it that way.

So you're the person who wouldn't address it and would just keep carrying on with life kind of awkwardly.

Yeah.

Is there a specific conflict or moment in your life where your method of coping with conflict changed into what it is now?

I don't know if there's a specific moment. Not only was I avoiding the conflict, and it was probably hurting the other person, but it was also straining me. I'd always be thinking about the conflict or if someone was mad at me, I wouldn't want them to be mad and going about daily activities, knowing someone is upset with you starts to take a toll.

So that's why you started to grow into using your voice a little bit more, to advocate for what you personally think is right. Or something that isn't being advocated for. That's not really easy to do, so that's pretty cool.

I think black just kind of makes me feel neutral, no one's gonna really comment... the color doesn't stand out.

I just wanna make sure everything goes right... If it doesn't then I try to roll with it.

What would you consider a positive distraction? Meaning from your own insecurities, what do you do to shut off that voice in the back of your head?

Something I do when I'm feeling insecure, I definitely just put on makeup and put on an outfit that I feel good in, even if it's just to do chores around the house, or to do homework in. If I'm really feeling insecure and unsure that's something that I do.

When it comes to putting on makeup, putting on an outfit.,what about putting on something else and changing appearance makes you feel better?

Whenever I'm feeling insecure, it makes me feel more put together. So at least on the outside, even if it's just in my room, again, I just appear more put together and then sometimes I feel that I have

control about the stuff that's not my outward appearance, the stuff that I'm actually getting insecure about.

So it's a control thing.

Yeah.

Are you a control freak?

I wouldn't say I'm a super control freak. I do feel uncomfortable when I'm not in control. I'm a planner. If I'm not in control of the plans, I'm usually a little bit more uncomfortable and antsy.

The whole putting on a persona, putting on makeup, putting on an outfit, it's like faking it till you make it, you're convincing yourself that you're okay. Even though you might not necessarily be okay. Do you notice your insecurities more when you're with other people or when you're by yourself?

Probably by myself. There's more time to think about them.

Would you consider yourself an overthinker?

Definitely.

Have you always been that way?

Yeah, I have. I guess just because I wanna make sure that everything goes right. So overthinking, it's just me thinking about the next thing to make sure that whatever happens goes right.

And what if it doesn't?

If it doesn't then I try to roll with it. But sometimes it causes me to have a lot of anxiety if the thing that I was overthinking might happen, happens.

Do you have an example of a time where something went wrong and you had to cope with it? It can be a tiny thing or it can be a big thing.

There's been times where I plan a whole day with a friend and then something might happen, where a restaurant is closed and that's something that went wrong, but it was a small enough thing that, it was easier to be flexible and just roll with it.

Do you have a desire for people to like you?

I think I have a desire for certain people to like me. I do have a desire for people to like me. Thinking about today, I was cashiering, I work at the thrift store in Henrietta, I want every customer to see that I was a good cashier even though I don't know them.

Even though you don't know a certain person it's always in the back of your mind, I need cater myself to make myself likable to these people. Does that get exhausting?

Yeah, I think at some point it does, especially if it's something that I overthink. If there's someone who didn't act a certain way towards me, I would interpret that as them not liking me, then I'll think about it. Not for like too long, but I'll definitely think about it and I'll think "Oh, that person, didn't like me."

Were you taught to be that way? That you need to censor yourself, you need to make yourself palatable for other people?

I don't think I was. I might've been taught it, not someone telling me that, I definitely think I saw how other people, when they didn't tame themselves in, how people reacted to them. I didn't want to receive that same sense of questioning and disgust. So I reminded myself in my head based off that.

You saw what happened if someone was 100% themselves all the time, did not censor themselves at all, depending on the situation. Based on the reaction of other people that you didn't want, you decided to make yourself palatable in certain situations.

Yeah.

How do you present yourself?

I think I usually present myself quietly. Someone's first impression of me is usually that I don't really say much, but probably seems nice.

Do you put a conscious effort forth to make sure that's how you present yourself? Are you thinking, "Okay, I need to be quiet

and I need to not say much just because I want people to see me as this nice quiet person."

It's definitely not that I'm trying to do that. It's who I am. I'm also a really anxious person. That is naturally how I act if I'm meeting someone new.

In terms of physical appearance, what you do, what effort do you put forth to present yourself physically when it comes to your fashion choices? How you do your hair? How you style yourself?

I'm not sure if the way that I present myself really correlates with that. I try to present myself, the way that I feel comfortable and then hoping that I come off in the way that I intend it. If that makes sense.

Who do you present yourself for?

I guess the presentation is for myself as well as others, just because I know that other people are going to see me. I like getting ready. I like doing my hair. I like dressing in an outfit every day

that makes me feel comfortable and confident.

So it's less about like the reactions of other people and it's more about the act of doing it in the routine, doing it and then not getting reactions from other people?

Yes. Yes. Definitely like the routine part of it.

When it comes to societal norms or standards of appearance, would you say that you're adherent to those guidelines?

I am not adherent to those, but at the same time I am. I'm just thinking of the a thin-abled body, which is definitely who society, deems as acceptable. I would say I'm definitely a part of it.

How you present yourself in a professional-type situation? Is that the same presentation that you would present in a classroom setting versus hanging out with friends setting?

Yeah. It's probably similar to how I present myself in a school setting. It's definitely not the same way I'd present with a friend or someone that's close to me.

What's the difference between the two?

If I'm comfortable with someone, I'm definitely more outspoken. The only word I can think of right now is 'floppy', but that's not the right word. I'm just more excited, excitable. In a business setting, I definitely become more rigid.

We're taught to do this, in a class or whatever, in a formal setting. That's how you're supposed to present yourself in certain settings. You're supposed to adjust your personality for different

environments.

Yeah, definitely.

Why do you follow that norm? That need to cater yourself to the situation? Like why do you do that?

I think it's because I've seen it. I've seen other people follow it. So that's why I follow it. I was actually said to in a classroom, "if you don't follow this, people are gonna think you're unprofessional

or not serious. You're not gonna get the opportunity you want."

You mentioned that when you're in a setting that you're comfortable in, you're easily excitable. What gets you excited?

If I like whatever the setting is. For example, if I'm out shopping with a friend, if I see something cute or if I see something that I think is stupid, or if I see something that's silly, I'll just automatically point it out. And whoever I'm with, I'll make them go over and look at it with me or something.

I guess my presentation is for myself and others.

Do you have a persona? What is it?

I don't know if I have a persona, but sometimes I do. I'm just thinking of, when I've been in school, if I'm ever going someplace by myself, I try to put on a persona of being a New Yorker, knowing where I am and where I'm going. Not to give anyone, mostly men, the opportunity to be like, "Oh, that girl was lost." That is kind of a persona I put on. When I go out, I dress confident and look like I know where I'm going and what I'm doing.

So it's awareness. It's pretending to be aware, even though you might not know anything.

Yeah.

And that's what you do that in order to avoid unwanted attention?

I never thought of it that way, but that makes a lot of sense.

This is kind of a bizarre question and I acknowledge this in advance, but in your opinion, if you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?

It would probably be one of those really weird, unique flavors that some weird ice cream shop has. People either really love it or really hate. Maybe a lavender ice cream or something where, someone's

going to say, "that's really disgusting," or someone's going to say, "Wow, this is really great."

Are you satisfied?

Not at the moment. There's a lot of stuff I want to make. And every time I try to make it, it doesn't come out how I wanted it to.

What are you trying to make?

I'm trying to make this knitted sweater vest. I keep measuring something and I keep messing up the measurements because it's not coming out right.

What does satisfaction look like for you in the short term? And then what does it look like for you in the long term?

In the short term, it's when I have something in mind, whether that be like a recipe or a piece of clothing I want to make, or even cleaning my room. Getting that thing done. And then long-term satisfaction is being able to balance everything in life so that it doesn't feel like a strain.◎

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RACHEL GARCIA