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POWERHOUSE
A team is only as strong as its individuals, and we at CHEEKEEBEE believe this to be true. You can think of us as the real life version of Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" music video. The POWERHOUSE is made of independent thinkers with various backgrounds which only fuel our mission of human-informed fashion design. We work together to highlight human stories and their connections to fashion.
EUNICE JANG
Moving anywhere at the start of middle school is a nightmare for any preteen, let alone moving to a new country where you don't speak the language, and no one in your new "home" looks like you. To this day, Eunice, formerly Jang Yoonji, attributes her identity crisis to the day she was told to choose a new name for the sake of strangers' conveniences.
If I recognize someone from high school at Wegmans, I'm not going to go out of my way be like, oh my god, what's up? No, walk away.
What is your comfort zone? This can be a comfort zone in terms of anything. It can be a place. It can be a state of being. This is a very open-ended question.
I don't really get uncomfortable. But I need my own space. I think college made me realize this. Freshman and sophomore year, I lived with people that I wanted to live with, my friends. And then
junior year, I refused to live with anyone. I needed my own space. That's my comfort zone. When I'm in my own space I'm at peace, but then when I'm outside, I can do anything. I don't mind doing stuff, like trying new things.
Have you always been that way, needing your own space?
I think so, even at home here, my room was my safe place, but now I have my own apartment in Buffalo. I love it so much. Especially living alone. I can just walk around naked and get whatever I want.
Living with people, living with you're friends was a big thing, I really don't mind hanging out with my friends whenever, but then living with them was a huge deal with me.
Just because you're really close with someone. And you're friends with someone does not mean that you can be roommates.
Exactly.
Would you consider yourself to be more of an introvert or an extrovert?
I feel like it depends on who I'm with. It really depends on if I don't know the other person at all, then I can be really social with them. But then if I know of them, for example bumping into someone
from high school at Wegmans, I'm not going to be like, "oh my god, what's up?" No, walk away.
I don't want to take my perception of you back in high school, but you were very shy and quiet. Was that just a matter of your circumstance?
I hated everyone. I absolutely hated everyone. Pittsford to me, I thought that was America. Because you know, I moved here from another country. I'm not even kidding that college changed my entire perception, which I'm so glad that I went to college because I thought Pittsford was it. And some people are still like stuck in that
Pittsford mindset, which I feel sorry for them. But then, if they're happy, I guess that's all that matters.
I just don't want to know them.
Yeah. Because even when I moved here from Korea in middle school, the first thing they said to me, like the first day I went in with my mom, they were like pick an English name because it's going to be easier for everyone else. And that's why I picked Eunice. I had to come up with an English name at the spot and I had no idea what to say.
Who told you to pick an English name?
In middle school? It was the principal, but I know they changed it like the year after I moved here. And then the main office ladies also recommended it. That's why I like Eunice because it's somewhat
similar to my real name, Yoonji. I have an identity crisis between those all the time.
Well, that's nuts because you've lived under the name Yoonji for so long. And then all of a sudden, oneday you're not supposed to be Yoonji anymore.
In America, I'm a whole different person. Using the name Eunice, it's even my name on my own school ID. It says Eunice, you know, that's basically my name now. I didn't even put any meaning into picking
that name or anything. Yoonji is my old self in Korea. And then Eunice kind of came to be the day I moved to America. But, it's varied. And in college, a lot of my friends started to call me Yoonji because they liked my real name more.
When you introduce yourself now, do you introduce yourself as Eunice or Yoonji?
I think Eunice because it's easier. It's stuck in my head that Eunice, the way they said it in middle school stuck in my head, they were like, it's going to be easier for everyone to pronounce it. So that's not even hard for me now. I know that's what Jamylin, our classmate, had to do too. Her real name was too hard to pronounce. And in high school they always pronounced my name, my last name, Yang, when it's Jang and they wrote Y A N G because they thought they were doing me a favor, although I corrected them every day. I fucking hated Pittsford.
I had no idea. I guess that is part of the issue that I had no idea. And I didn't even think about this, but
that's really big deal, especially for someone in the beginning of adolescence. Okay. "Pick a new name
because we don't want you with that."
Yeah. Pittsford was not as diverse, especially in middle school. It was only me and like three other Asian kids.
It was terrible. I could trash on Pittsford all I want, but at the end of the day, looking at it analytically, there are worse places. There's definitely worse places to grow up, but that being said, there's definitely way better. That's all I'm going to say.
Oh yeah. Agreed.
To wrap up this question, would you say that you're more comfortable with familiar things than you are with unfamiliar things?
Yeah. I try to stick with familiar things.
Have you always been that way?
No.
What changed?
Pittsford. It's moving to America for sure. There was such a big change that I had to take a step back and adjust myself.
What are the differences? This is an off topic question, but what are the differences between how you were in Korea versus who you became in America?
I was such a brat. We used to travel a lot and I never really cared about anything. I never had to because when you're young and you're seeing the world. I didn't really go to school in Korea.
You didn't?
I did. But it wasn't a big deal. My parents didn't really care, we would just go to Europe for like months and go to China, Japan, and just travel because my parents wanted me to see the world. And that really opened my eyes to things. But then moving here was a whole different story. The second I saw how privileged everyone was here and seeing some people's parents too. And then I'm like, Hmm. No wonder why they are the way they are because they grew up looking at it.
Yeah. It makes sense. The apple does not fall far from the tree.
Exactly, exactly. I needed to build myself, I guess, learn English, get used to the whole school thing here because what I saw was based off American movies. So I assumed it was the same in real life.
You were in a position where you were somewhat privileged and you were comfortable with that and you didn't care.
Yeah, but moving here, I realized I'm literally nothing here in Pittsford.
Did you know English before you moved here?
Not really, but in Korea you kind of start learning second language when you're in second grade like English or Japanese and Chinese. You get to pick two.
The next question is what do you consider a positive distraction? So in terms of distraction, I mean from your own insecurities, that's physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, occupational, whatever insecurities you may have. What do you do to turn off that voice in the back of your head?
I cut my hair or dye my hair or pierce my own ears.
When did you start doing that as a form of self care?
Piercing my ears, I started in middle school when I moved here. I used to have like six piercings each, but after awhile I had to take them out and pierce them again.
How do you do it?
It's self-harm in a way. That sounds so bad. That sounds terrible, but I also used to bite my nails really bad that I started getting acrylic nails, really long ones, to stop biting my nails.
Me too. It's not good for my bank account but it is good for my nails!
Yeah! A lot girls can relate though, because it's the only thing you have control of at the time, you know, when you're going through something you're like, "oh, I'm going to cut my hair."
I've never thought about it that way but now that you say that, it does make a lot sense. I'm known to just do the like mental breakdown chop at school.
I thought about shaving my head in March.
Same! My friend, I live with her, I feel like I'll always live with her throughout college. She is going to art school to become a cosmetologist. So, she has this pair of scissors that's specifically donated to when I need to just chop off my hair because she doesn't trust me to do it myself and I don't trust myself to do it either. So she just chops it for some sort of mental liberation.
A real friendship though.
You mentioned girls changing themselves in terms of appearance, because it's the only thing that you have control over.
I'm not generalizing it though.
I think that's like a common theme among a lot of woman-identifying people though. So in terms of that being what you can control, when did you notice that that was something you personally had control over and could start doing yourself to make yourself feel better?
It was definitely middle school. It was my turning turning point. I think college was another turning point.
That's really important too, that it was in middle school. Cause it's a time when you're coming to your own. That's interesting. So you started to notice a sense of like, not having control over everything when you did move here.
Yeah. When you're young, your parents kind of tell you to be a well-rounded person and then you learn to make different personalities within yourself depending on who you're with, whether you're with your friends, your teachers, your parents. When you're constantly doing that, you lose yourself. You don't find what you really like or who you really are. And being a first-generation immigrant and having to take care of my parents documents or our family documents. My sister, Hannah, and I had to like a lot of that. And even now we go to their appointments with them.
I started dying my hair and piercing my own ears in middle school. It's self harm in a way. A lot of girls can relate though because it's the only thing you can control at the time. Like, "I'm going through something, so I'll cut my hair."
I don't think being "fake" is necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn't call it fake. I'd call it more of a means of protection.
Do your parents speak English?
Not well, they can kind of understand, but they're also going through their own shit right now that Hannah and I have to be home a lot.
If you don't mind me asking why did they move you to America if you guys were so assimilated to Korea?
So my oldest sister, she's 10 years older than me. She's 31, she moved here a little after we did. And she's kind of the reason why we moved to America because it's so competitive to go to college in Asia. It's just so competitive that you can't really be successful, unless you're the top 0.1%. And seeing my sister and a lot of students struggle, my parents didn't want us to grow up in that environment. In high school, in Korea, you come back home around 3:00 in the morning from school and there's only one
SAT, you can take a year. Every student in Korea, they take it once a year. And if you're sick the day you have to wait another year and all the stores closed that day because it was a really big day and you can't fuck it up.
Again, they don't want you to just be a robot student. They want you to actually be a human being.
Yeah. And it fucked up my oldest sister. She was at the hospital for awhile. So seeing that too, my parents really didn't want to go through the whole thing again with us.
What part of Korea did you move from?
Seoul.
What was your favorite part about living in Seoul?
We used to live in a city. It's really safe there too. They let me walk around at night alone. I could just go to stores at like 10:00 PM. Every time I go to New York city, I'm like, "oh my god, I want to live here."
Next question. How do you present yourself?
Oh my god. I think it's Asian parents, like an Asian family thing. My parents always told me that when I'm in public, I represent my family, I stand for our last name. So if I fuck up and they're going to think that my parents fucked up. So I have to be the most polite, quiet, understanding, the perfect little
whatever, and then they realize I'm not.
I'm not Asian so I could sound totally stupid. So bear with me. But is that a thing? Where does that come from in Asian culture? Respecting your elders and being aware of where you come from is a very big theme throughout multiple different Asian cultures.
It's a huge thing because Asia is really old-fashioned, they're not really welcoming to new ideas. They're really fair minded in a way that family is a big thing and respecting elders. It's a huge thing in Korea when I was growing up, it was like a rude thing to make eye contact. When you're talking to someone, especially elders, you have to look down or not directly look at them. You always bow and listen to them and females were subject to males. Women must be submissive. I was expected to obey men,
just as wives were expected to listen to their husbands. The husband makes the money. Wives just stay home and take care of your children. And this is extremely hetero normative, but gender there is equivalent to biological sex. It's not even a discussion.
Do you think coming to America you've rejected that a little bit?
Oh yeah. For sure. My parents are more open. They're welcoming to new ideas. They weren't for awhile, but they are now. Definitely in terms of dating. They always said "you have to date a Korean
guy". I don't want to say that they were racist, but they never had to, you know, interact with other races in Korea that they were unfamiliar with different ethnicities around them so they were definitely uncomfortable in the beginning.
When you present yourself, you still have in the back of your mind that you are an Asian person in America, that you need to represent your family no matter where you are.
I try to, but it's hard. You know where you come from, but then you don't necessarily fit here because you're not white. So obviously I'm not going to "act white."
Where do you think you fit in?
I was thinking about that. Being at UB, I tried joining a sorority twice. I rushed, pledged, did everything. And it was a waste of time. Why is everyone so fake? And then I joined clubs and I was like why is everyone so social? I joined engineering clubs and I was like, "oh my god, why are they grouping themselves and not talking to other people?" And then Asian people too, a bunch of Asian sorority girls have only grouped themselves in a way to dismiss everyone else. It's hard. I have people I study with and I have people I go out with and I have people I eat with. I just jump around based on the situation. I never make myself a part of any of the groups because I hate that.
In terms of friend groups, you're okay with having multiple different ones because you feel like you fit into different categories.
I bring out the different sides of me, which sounds so bad and fake. I think in terms of friendship, if you don't benefit from that relationship, why would you even bother building whatever relationship was there. It's not selfish; it has to be a mutual thing. When I study with someone we both are in same class and we both share our homework and all that. But then when I go out with someone, we have fun and we don't remember.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks this way.
Yeah. I don't really like people.
You're a chameleon depending on who you're with.
I try to be.
Are you okay with that?
Sure. Have you ever seen the video where it's a colorblind chameleon trying to like change colors. I feel like I'm that person.
If you were to describe all of your personalities within a couple words, how would you describe yourself?
A lot of people have told me that I'm fake after finding out how I act around certain people. They know how I am with them, but then they see me with other people. That's why I hate mixing groups. I bring out a completely opposite side of myself when I'm with them, compared to when I'm with the another group.
Do you think you are fake?
I wouldn't call it fake. I'd call it a means of protection. I mean, it depends on how you see it. I can see how and why they think it's fake. It makes sense.
Does it bother you?
No, because I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. You just gotta put the mask on sometimes. No one acts the same way in from my professors that they do in front of their closest friends. I'm not going to talk like this in front of my professors. I don't look like this in front of my professors. No one calls that fake, and everyone does it to a degree.
I think that it depends on how you look at it. I don't think fake people are fake for the reason of wanting to be fake. It stems from something else. Everything is connected in some way. There's a motive behind wanting to do everything. You have to realize that fake isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's just protection, a way of like protecting yourself.
Right. And it's not necessarily that I'm doing it for a selfish reason.
You're in a position where you don't feel you belong, so you're going to cater yourself so that you feel welcomed within a specific group.
And to be fair, I still don't know who I am, and a lot of us are still trying to figure that out and people change. I don't think anyone knows who they are, even if they're on their death bed.
In terms of social etiquette and standards of presentation, would you say that you're adherent to those like rules, or unwritten rules? For example, when you're in an office setting, and it's a male dominated office setting. This actually applies to you because you're going into engineering.
Dude it's terrible.
If you were to go into an office setting, your skirt has to be a certain length, that sort of situation.
As much as I hate it, I do think that it's our job to know those unwritten rules and use it on our own, turn a table so that we can use it for our own advantage. If a longer skirt or wearing pants is gonna make us look more powerful, then I'm going to wear pants. If being submissive towards a certain group of men is going to get me something that I really want, then I'm going to act submissive. You learn to voice your opinion as you grow, even if using your voice is playing the system. Those norms exist, you can't just make other people not believe or change their mind. You gotta use for yourself. If you can kind of manipulate it and use it for your benefit, why not do that?
Your last question is, do you have a persona? If so, What is it? If not, how does the way that you present yourself reflect your personality?
I honestly think I have a personality disorder at this point. I've known this for a while. I'm just re-evaluating my life and trying to figure it out. I can't really say that I have a persona. Honestly, Eunice is my persona. I talk and act completely different when I'm speaking Korean.
Now, are you Eunice, talking to me?
I would say I'm Eunice right now.
Thats pretty cool though that every morning, you wake up and like you decide to put on Eunice. This is going to sound bad cause the connotation of actors, but you're playing a part.
It really is because when I moved here, everyone just told me to put a mask on. I wasn't about to cry in front of random people. I wanted to cry so many fucking times every single day. I'm not gonna break down crying in front of everyone. You're right, in a way it's all an act. I still don't know who I am.
Your last like followup question in general is, are you satisfied?
Definitely not. And I think I'm still working on proving myself. I never wanted to go to college, but here I am. I'm definitely not satisfied with where I am in terms of my school, where I am in my life right now and where my family is. I hate that I feel like everything is out of my control.
What's does satisfaction look like for you then? Like this is going to sound cheesy, but when will you know that you've made it, that you've gotten to that destination? Does that destination exist?
I know when that will be, but I don't want to go there yet. My mom has stage four cancer and she's been struggling for a year and a half and I feel like when she's gone and I'm at my peace with that, once I get used to living my life without her, then I'll be satisfied. But I'm not ready for that satisfaction yet. My dad just recently lost his left hand, it's just a lot. So I'm trying to enjoy my life right now, as much as I can.
Wow. A lot of what you just said just came full circle. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Living your life in service of your parents and trying to honor that, makes a lot of sense now
and that's really courageous of you to do.
I wanted to take a year off from college, but she wants to see me graduate and I'm the youngest one so i'm trying to push through so she can see that. I don't know who exactly I am, Yoonji or Eunice, but seeing all this firsthand may put some things into perspective that maybe it's not that big of a deal. ◎
